You cannot control what happens to you…
August 26th, 2008 by timelady
…but you can control your attitude toward what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you.
He comes at night most often, but sometimes, sometimes, brazenly by day, defying my attempts to conceal him. At night, oh, then he can sneak into my room, forbidden, unasked, uninvited. He wields power casually, knowing just how to move me, reach me, render me his slave.
Yet I resist him. He calls me to sink into him, to surrender, to accept he is my master now. I will not. He may be able to win the wars we wage daily, but I will never give in to him. I will be stronger. He is my enemy, not my master. I cannot defeat him, but I will defy him, not give him what he demands. I will not be lessened, I will be strengthened by this battle.
I never asked him to be my partner. He arrived in my life unbidden, unlooked for. He has defeated better than me, I am well aware. My defences seem pitiful at times against him, my weapons so small, so inadequate. Here I am, another night where I will not sleep, as he tries once more to overwhelm me with his sheer strength, utter persistence, absolute power.
My feeble will, my pathetic arsenal of weapon, tools, techniques to resist, they are all bought into play, until, exhausted by the struggle, I wish I could just give in. Often, sadly, weakly, I do give in, surrender the fight, and ashamed, I face the new day, swearing I will do better, I will be stronger, I will not be so easily beaten tomorrow.
It is not a battle I can share with others, though some have seen the depth of my despair, and try, want to help. They cannot reach him, he is immune to their counsel, their sympathy, their support. Or so he thinks – I know better. They are probably my greatest strength. They cannot fight him directly, but they can give me strength, courage, and shine a small ray of light into the dark nights, when the war rages around, and he is at the height of his power, trying to overwhelm me.
Cruel master, yet oddly, strangely, loyal, reliable. He will not leave me, and that thought is strange in a transient world. He will not win. I know I have to fight him daily, and I am so tired, so very very tired of it. Yet I do not surrender to him, with his strong embrace, his ability to leave me breathless, weak, sobbing against his will.
He is Pain, and he will not overcome me.
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Murfomurf Says
I knew it was PAIN the moment I started reading- it’s an awful ‘master’. I guess all you can do is fight- what else is there? Hopefully the new pain medication is working OK now and gives some temporary relief so you can think straight. PAIN is a bit life The Black Dog that treks around after me- I can fight fight fight, but rarely does he go and sit on the mat as requested. I’ve only ever experienced a lot of pain when I had Ross River Virus- about 8 months of dragging pain pretty much all over that just WOULD NOT respond to medication or alcohol. I thought it was going to kill me at times, but it gradually left and I never got it again.
Your blog seems to go back a long time- Spotrick said he knew you way back when at his mysterious bloggers’ dinners! I’m a very recent blogger and not quite into it- probably better in the sunnier weather when my brain accelerates. I like yours.
Aug 26th, 2008 at 10:24 pm
David Bridger Says
Thank you for this wonderful piece. It speaks quietly to a deep place inside me. Thank you.
Aug 27th, 2008 at 1:50 am
Peter Says
Correction… “She is pain”. If you were married for 18 years like me…the last line is “She is pain…and She is now gone!”
Aug 29th, 2008 at 2:31 am
firestarter Says
Oh, quit whining. Part of being in a relationship is *enjoying* sex.
If sex is really *so* horrible to you, then get the f*ck out of the relationship and either find someone else, or live alone with 30 cats for company.
You remind me of an emo kid or something, writing bad poetry about a situation in which you obviously can change for yourself.
Either let this guy go, so you and him can find different partners which suit your own needs better, or shut the hell up and try to make steps to actually *enjoy* sex with your mate and quit bitching.
You sound like a f*cking dumb*ss.
Aug 29th, 2008 at 7:03 pm
timelady Says
Wow, way to misread the situation. It is a metaphor for pain,which becomes explicitly spelt out at the end.
And you call ME the dumb*ss?
Lol. Silly personage!
(Hope the words were not to big for you to understand this time - would you prefer I use smaller ones? And DO have a spiffy day!)
Sep 11th, 2008 at 7:29 am